> >

Post New Thread  Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 08-05-12, 06:23 PM   #1
Elite

Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,653
Default Flash is the Best Super Hero Ever

Quote:
Now, I don't know how many of you dogs of the scurviest sea read comics, but I do a big pile of comics. One thing that blows my mind is how completely insane the powers in the DC universe are. Look at Superman. This guy has more powers than French restaurants have ways to say "your taste in wine is atrocious". He has powers to do with every part of his body and then some. He forgets powers sometimes. He can shoot heat rays out of his eyes, frost breath from his mouth and red son radiation from his ass. He's that sort of crazy dude. All because he absorbs solar radiation.

Look at Batman. His power? The anti-power. Sure, he should be some tame, kung fun master of not much, but instead he's the hottest shit to ever shit on a plate. You got a power? He'll find your weakness and give you seizures or heart attacks. He'll light you on fire when you're sleeping or make you recharge your green lantern ring in the power outlet. Ten thousand volts of **** you batman. That's Batman.

But the ****ing Flash, my god, my ****ING GOD, this man has the greatest powers of all. If Superman's powers are being sucked off by twin super models and batman coming home to discover your wife is not only bisexual but has two friends she wants you to 'get in on' then the Flash is an orgy with a thousand women who also want to pay your World of Warcraft billing. And click the mouse for you. This man is just that ****ing hot. They have to power him down in the comics half the time just to keep him from doing everyone else's job.

Ok first off, he can travel at lightspeed. Mother ****! Not only does he travel at lightspeed, but time slows down for him. So he feels like he's having a casual jog or reading the paper, meanwhile, his feet are moving so fast you can hear him coming from Montana while he's already gotten to Arizona. That's ****ing fast. But wait! The ability to move at Lightspeed just isn't ****ing enough!

I know! Christ this guy can punch you so many times in a second you've been hit five times in the **** and two times everywhere else. You think you're about to fight the Flash and then it hits you, for the last split second he's beaned your beanbags with more blows than you had sperm. But no, there's more!

The Flash can also vibrate through walls. Now last I heard, you can not move so fast you can vibrate through walls, so what actually happens is the Flash is so fast he can pick and choose the movement of his individual molecules and move them through other solid objects, phasing through solid matter like it ain't no thing. I mean you think a guy who runs at lightspeed would run into shit but no, the Flash just goes right through them. To top that with a cherry and some whipped cream (which the Flash made in like a millisecond, ****er) he can selectively choose to cause objects to be "okay" afterwards or ****ING EXPLODE. That's right. He can run through you and make you blow up by transfering kinetic energy into you. Like Jesus. IT's bad enough you can't hit this guy, but he doesn't even have to punch you. Now your testicles have exploded and you're thinking you're about to hit him. Jesus? Just give it up. He's the ****ing Flash.

Now imagine that somehow there's someone who can get around the Flash blowing your balls up secret ninja technique. Ok. He can also control the flow of energy between objects. This power makes no sense but basically he can throw a rock at you, and you think it's going slow and then he's like WHOOHOOO WIZARDLY FLASH POWERS and bam it's going at lightspeed. So he can throw seven million rocks at you in a second then make them all goes different speeds thus striking your nads with seven million rocks one after the other.

But wait! There's more! He can also take energy from the very power of speed and make clothes out of it. Yes. Flash makes his pants out of GOES FAST. The man is so fast he can make Flash pants that GOES FAST go right into. I don't even start to understand the physics of that but basically SPEED == REALLY TIGHT UNDERWEAR AND COOL LIGHTNING THINGIES OVER THE EAR. You would think this is the end of it but ok let's say Flash is fighting Superman and shit he's going to lose and **** how is Superman THIS ****ing strong? I don't know he must be Superman fused with Batman into some sort of guy with tons of plans on how to punch you far harder than anyone else ok to end it off the Flash can GO BACK OR FORWARD IN TIME ON COMMAND.

How do you beat this dude? You're thinking you're hashing him good, laying down the beatdown, missing your balls and suddenly BAM YOUR MOM FELL DOWN THE STAIRS TWENTY YEARS AGO and there's a dent in your forehead and Superman not thunk so gud no more. Actually she didn't fall down the stairs the Flash put speed into them so they fell up her! **** you Flash! You moved the stairs to Soviet ****ing russia! RUSH-A! Bitch.

Oh, and lastly his greatest power is he isn't fast in bed. He takes it slow and gets all the ladies with his superpowers then actually satisfies them in the sack. Who the Hell is this guy? You'd think he could AT LEAST be a premature ejaculator since his penis is moving at lightspeed but NOOOO he's even good in bed.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Wolverine sucks **** and should go die in a freak greasefire.
Something I saw and decided to share for laughs.
usiel is offline  
Old 08-05-12, 07:56 PM   #2
Not A People Person

Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: United Police State of America, CA
Posts: 637
That was funny, many posts I skim. This one I laughed my ****** balls off, and read every ****** word.

Thanks for that.
Pauz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-12, 08:03 PM   #3
Elite

Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,669
LOL!
That guy needs a life.
wtfjack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-12, 08:19 PM   #4
Novice
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 190
you seem quite obsessed with balls, sperms, etc...
megaancient is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-12, 09:14 PM   #5
Luminiferous Ether Sailor

Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Thailand
Posts: 2,621
Hmmm.... sounds just about the right perspective for a shy pimply-faced 13-year-old lad who gets picked on at school. Hopefully he will eventually get laid and begin to enjoy life outside in the sun.
PhoenixBSD is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-12, 10:07 PM   #6
Novice
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 194
I think he needs to put those comics aside for a while.

Funny stuff, but wow.
Phantom7 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-12, 11:51 PM   #7
I plead INSANITY!

Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Eville, Indiana, USA, Psychotic State
Posts: 2,208
Ah, but can Flash run fast enough to out-run himself going at top speed? THAT would make him totally awesome... Um, according to the above story.

Peace to you and yours,
Matthew "Dra'Gon" Stohler

BlueDragonFire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-12, 12:32 AM   #8
Elite

Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,653
First I didn't write it. I found it and shared it.

Second. What's with this common misconception that if someone knows about a Super Hero they just have no life what so ever.

People tend to spend more time on Video games than on comics when Comic books come out once a month and takes no more than 15 minutes to read 1.

If someone is a super duper Flash Fan that's like 1 comic every month. That's 15 minutes out of 10,080 minutes within a week or 43,829.1 minutes within a month.

It takes approximately 7 to 12 hours in 1 sitting to read a Harry Potter Novel. Shorter if you're a speed reader. That's approximately 420 minutes to 720 minutes. It took the J.K. Rowling approximately every 2 years to complete a novel that's 1,051,200 minutes within the 2 years. Taking in all that time to read 24 issues of Flash comics making up 2 years that's approximately 360 minutes which is still an cumulatively less than the time it takes to finish a Harry Potter Novel.

Statistically people spend more than 3 to 5 hours a day playing video games, or watching TV, and that's not even calculating the amount of time people are on the internet. That's 180 to 300 minutes a day, that's approximately 5,400 to 9,000 in a single month, oh but reading comics. THAT's what makes a person not have a life.

Sure there are some whom take the fandom of Comics a little to the extreme and those are the ones whom are the Otakus in the Comic world but there are extremes in everything else. I mean hell. This is a site where we share things. How many terabytes of information that consist of movies, games, music, and other things that are inside your hard drives.

Don't judge cause someone is geeky in something.
usiel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-12, 02:52 AM   #9
Hellblazer

Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: On a little rock floating in the vast emptiness of the multiverse
Posts: 982
Hmm, didn't find it funny, personally. Reads like someone read too much Cracked and decided to copy those guys, except he's waaaaay less funny and tries too hard. All those swears kinda make it seem pathetic, honestly. Nothing against swears, I have a tendency to make them myself (anyone who reads Rotten Tomatoes weekly ketchup is well aware of my list posts *the watcher*), but there is such a thing as being too forceful and excessive.

Just my two cents, as they say.
HeavyGrimm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-12, 05:39 AM   #10
Novice
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 180
Quote: Originally Posted by usiel View Post
First I didn't write it. I found it and shared it.

Second. What's with this common misconception that if someone knows about a Super Hero they just have no life what so ever.

People tend to spend more time on Video games than on comics when Comic books come out once a month and takes no more than 15 minutes to read 1.

If someone is a super duper Flash Fan that's like 1 comic every month. That's 15 minutes out of 10,080 minutes within a week or 43,829.1 minutes within a month.

It takes approximately 7 to 12 hours in 1 sitting to read a Harry Potter Novel. Shorter if you're a speed reader. That's approximately 420 minutes to 720 minutes. It took the J.K. Rowling approximately every 2 years to complete a novel that's 1,051,200 minutes within the 2 years. Taking in all that time to read 24 issues of Flash comics making up 2 years that's approximately 360 minutes which is still an cumulatively less than the time it takes to finish a Harry Potter Novel.

Statistically people spend more than 3 to 5 hours a day playing video games, or watching TV, and that's not even calculating the amount of time people are on the internet. That's 180 to 300 minutes a day, that's approximately 5,400 to 9,000 in a single month, oh but reading comics. THAT's what makes a person not have a life.

Sure there are some whom take the fandom of Comics a little to the extreme and those are the ones whom are the Otakus in the Comic world but there are extremes in everything else. I mean hell. This is a site where we share things. How many terabytes of information that consist of movies, games, music, and other things that are inside your hard drives.

Don't judge cause someone is geeky in something.
This post. Why must everyone be such a...
Adamthegrim is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:57 PM.
SEO by vBSEO ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.